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Post by Celtic17 on Oct 28, 2014 19:01:34 GMT -5
I went shopping at Wal-Mart yesterday and when I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad...
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Post by freshnthehouse on Oct 28, 2014 20:26:04 GMT -5
Buncha prudes working at Walmart these days.
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Post by Celtic17 on Oct 29, 2014 7:05:42 GMT -5
A Celtics fan, a Piston fan, and a Larker fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Piston fan insists he's the most loyal. "This is for Detroit!" he yells and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Celtics fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for Boston!" and pushes the Laker fan off the mountain.
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Post by Celtic17 on Oct 29, 2014 9:35:22 GMT -5
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At
the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them
to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a
certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date.
His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he
hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?".
The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't
get an erection".
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't even get on the bed!"
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Post by Celtic17 on Oct 30, 2014 9:39:02 GMT -5
The Baptist Cowboy
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado .
When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
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Post by Roadrunner on Nov 10, 2014 23:28:31 GMT -5
I went shopping at Wal-Mart yesterday and when I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer. I still don't think I looked that bad... I was in Walmart last night. They sell a red rider bb gun look a like, and a semi-automatic glock pistol look a like. WTF? |
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Post by eja117 on Nov 11, 2014 22:52:30 GMT -5
I'm in LA right now and when I get home I can't wait to go on a Lakers site and troll them about their driving and general unattractiveness
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Post by Celtic17 on Nov 14, 2014 9:15:34 GMT -5
A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?"
The man replied, "Yes, I do."
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Post by FLCeltsFan on Nov 18, 2014 11:16:09 GMT -5
How did I miss this thread all this time! I'm in tears LOL! My favorite one was pushing the Laker fan off the mountain! Now that's funny!!
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Post by Celtic17 on Nov 20, 2014 19:02:34 GMT -5
Got one Sis? I could use a good laugh...
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Post by Celtic17 on Nov 20, 2014 19:17:33 GMT -5
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little !!!GREENIAC!!!. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his !!!GREENIAC!!!, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
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